


Someone to Hold On To

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M, Manipulation, Post-Coital Cuddling, Self-Esteem Issues, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 08:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: Matsuda’s always liked hugs. Sometimes you need someone to hold on to.





	Someone to Hold On To

**Author's Note:**

  * For [still_lycoris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/gifts).



Matsuda’s always kind of been too fond of hugs. He can just about remember one of his elementary school teachers telling him _you’re a big boy now, you don’t need to hug your friends._ Obviously he was pretty young then. Obviously he stopped hugging his friends right away, and soon after that he learnt that even if you think a girl is your friend or you think she’s nice you don’t just go up and hug her, or even ask if you can hug her, because she and her friends shriek _ewwww!_ and then everyone starts saying you’ve got a _girlfriend_ or something.

When he actually did start having girlfriends, which he’s prepared to admit is not as much as he’d like, some of them said it was one of his good points. Walking down the street with his arm round a girl’s waist or her shoulders and her giggling and saying, _You’re so dumb. You’re so adorable._

He’s explaining this to Raito as they’re lying in his bed together before dawn, his head on Raito’s shoulder, and Raito is saying, _Dumb and adorable, huh? Well, it sounds like you were a hit with the ladies in your own way, Matsuda-san._ Gently teasing, but in that way where he makes it sound like an in-joke the two of you share. Matsuda feels himself blush a bit and says, _Yeah, well… I was never one of those guys trying to play it cool, you know?_ He thinks some girls like that – not playing it cool – because maybe they’re like him, they’re still trying to get their head round the fact someone actually wants them, wants to hug them or cuddle up with them while they’re pretending to watch TV. Other girls, though, they found it annoying, they said he was always in their personal space. He tried to cool it, with them, but then it was like the girl would always be thinking _I hope he doesn’t start…_ and he’d always be thinking _Remember, mustn’t…_ and that’s kind of a sad way to date someone so it mostly didn’t last long. He doesn’t tell Raito any of this. Of course day-to-day they can’t touch each other at all because if anyone ever finds out about this there will be hell to pay, but at night… and what if Raito says, what if he hears the story and says, _Actually, I’ve been meaning to say something…_

Matsuda feels like his heart’s about to stop whenever he thinks about Raito telling him it’s over.

Whatever _it_ is. It’s not like having a girlfriend – no dates, no presents, no walking down the street like people will think it’s a good thing you’re together. But it’s not – of course it’s not anything like a one-night stand either. Not that Matsuda’s had many of those, but he’s pretty sure the idea is you’re meant to be able to take them or leave them, because you don’t care enough to do it for more than one night. This – what kind of, of arrogant delusional idiot would he be to think he could take or leave this, that he could _do better_ , that it’s _just_ \- just anything? It’s everything. It’s everything he ever wanted and he didn’t even know he did want it.

Anyway. Raito laughs, and says, _That doesn’t surprise me_ , and leans over and kisses him, and says, _Well, I like having you close by. I like knowing how much you… how much you care._

He says something like that much later on, too. It’s well before dawn, again, the small hours of 28th January. Everyone’s been twitchy all day. Even Raito, so confident that whatever Near has to show them will be meaningless, even Raito is tensed, and his words, his mouth, his hands, everything’s quick, as if everything is about to change and they’re running out of time.

Matsuda wants to cuddle up to him but his heart’s thumping as if Raito has actually said out loud, _everything will be different after today._ Or, _I don’t think we’re going to make it._ He lies still, stares up at the darkness where the ceiling is, wonders what he’s nervous about. He dozes for a while. When he wakes properly, Raito’s in his arms, head against his chest.

 _Hey,_ he whispers, and Raito takes a deep breath and then just sighs as if he can’t bring himself to say whatever it is. It’s too dark to see his face. Matsuda says, _Hey,_ again, and then, _You okay?_

At last, Raito says, _I’m all right._

Then he says, quietly, sounding lost and like someone else entirely, _You love me, don’t you?_ Like he’s actually nervous Matsuda might not say _yes_. 

_Of course I do,_ Matsuda says, trying not to make it sound like _How could you think someone like me wouldn’t love someone like you?_ Trying to make it sound just like he means it and he understands why you’d need to ask. Sometimes even though someone lets you put your arms round them it isn’t enough, sometimes it just feels like you’re holding onto something that’s about to get torn away. 

_You love..._ Raito stops, and then says, _But you… you love easily, don’t you?_

Matsuda has to think about it. He never thought of love as something you do _easily_. Certainly doesn’t feel easy. It feels scary, and awkward, and confusing, and, and like your heart will stop. 

_If you mean, like… you think I’m just… you think this is just a… a fling for me..._ he starts off, feeling stupid and sounding weirdly angry, like this has hurt his feelings, but Raito doesn’t stop him or start arguing, just waits, and so he carries on, _It’s not. It never was. Just because I… just because I like cuddling or whatever, that doesn’t mean this isn’t… this isn’t real. Of course it’s real. It’s – it’s the reallest thing there is._ He actually laughs to hear himself say that, but his voice shakes a bit, because he knows he means it. Raito doesn’t laugh at him. Raito’s fingers tense on his back and then he says, _Promise?_

 _Of course I promise._ Still half-smiling at this romance-drama dialogue and yet, at the same time: Raito asking _him_ for reassurance? It fills him with warmth like he didn’t realise he was cold up until now.

 _Sometimes,_ Raito says, _sometimes I keep things back. Sometimes I’m worried people won’t like me if they see I’m not who they thought I was._

Matsuda says, _Well, I’d love you whoever you were._

He feels Raito sigh – with relief? - feels Raito stroke his hair, feels Raito kiss his forehead and whisper, _Thank you._ He falls asleep with Raito still in his arms. He’ll think of that a lot, afterwards.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 12daysChristmas, prompt "Seven secret messages".


End file.
